Overwhelmed

i am struggling to do what is right when it comes to my little guy.

i am a stay at home mom so there is a reason that i stay at home, to be with my kids and i want to be able to teach him things and be that kind of mommy to him but am having a really hard time with it.

even trying to work, at home, on the things that we do in speech therapy, is a struggle and i can't really think outside of the box to come up with some other way of doing it.

my husband has said before that if we can't do something 100% then we sometimes just don't do it at all and i hated that when he said it but am now feeling like it is so true. no one ever said that being a parent was easy and if someone had then i think i would have a jaw dropping, shocked face, because for sure it isn't easy, especially with a special needs child.

i know that more days in preschool is going to be something that is good for him but hate the idea of it. more days away from me and then i think, what's the point of being a stay at home mom. but then with him home i don't really feel like i am teaching him anything or making a difference in preparing him for kindergarten.

i just have this inner tug of war going on and then to top it all off he has a hearing disability and i have to go up to bat for him. i am the least most assertive person out there and now i have to EXTREMELY stretch myself to make things better for this little guy. and the crappy part about it is that I'm not doing it. i totally asked my husband (who is very assertive) to handle the latest school decisions and while i am thrilled that he is doing it, don't want to do it and love that he wants to be involved in his son's life and decisions i know that he won't be able to always be the one to advocate for our little guy and that scares me because i will have to do it. i am terrified too. i am totally feeling like Moses when he told God that he couldn't be the one to speak to the Israelites because he wasn't eloquent.

if anyone is reading this please pray that whenever and wherever and whoever i have to speak to, to help my little guy in and during his schooling years that i will have the words, thoughts, ability, courage and assertiveness to do what needs to be done for the good of my son. I'm not ready for all of this and i need to be brave.