surprised by motherhood

I just finished this really great book that I had previously started but put down for a bit to read something else. it is amazing how God can use the beautiful words of a book to speak right into you heart and at just the right time.

the book Surprised by Motherhood by Lisa Jo Baker is just what I needed to read. she talks about how she never imagined being a mother and I wondered if I would relate or even connect with anything in this book because all I ever wanted to be was a mother.  there were so many things though that I connected with in the book even though our desired were very different.

being a mom is way, way harder than I ever thought possible. here are a few quote from the book that really hit home for me and helped me through this motherhood, struggling process.....

"I understand because I, to, walk the tightrope between my old habits and my new ones, and as a mom, I want to be present in mind as well as body. smartphones make it easy to pretend."
I don't want to pretend with my little people or with those that I love and love us. I want to be real and true and honest.

"It's funny how having a mom and becoming a mom are so profoundly connected."

"But moving forward is usually impossible without first going back."
I feel very stuck here. My hubby encourages me to meditate and remember my younger years and while I had a pretty great childhood it is difficult for me to contemplate on it and connect with how things were when I was a little girl.

"Becoming a parent is a lot like breaking up with yourself. There are all these things you used to love about yourself and your life. Those late-afternoon naps. Those spontaneous movie nights. The tidy house and pretty things that could easily break. Lots of pretty things. Unbroken pretty things. Uninterrupted meals, sleep, bathroom breaks."
No one ever wants to consider themselves as being selfish but I think that may be part of the problem. there are some selfishness that I need to consider and let go of to continue to be a better mom.

"Some days you've done it right-you've been reasonable in the face of irrational toddlerhood and you've bent low to meet the needs of tiny humans straining against their own limitations. You've reminded yourself that you're the grown-up, and you've tried really hard to act like it."
That is the problem though, right there, that we act like the grown ups that we are. (so hard sometimes) that we guide our children through the struggles that they are going through. that we remember that they are just kids and that they don't have the same coping skills that we are equipped with, even when our coping skills don't seem to be on point.

"How my parenting had mostly been a mixture of embarrassment and frustration."
still remember that girl who could be judgy about the way people were parenting their children (even thought I didn't have any) and now that girl is a parent and has way to many judgements on her self in how she parents and the worry about what other people think. working on releasing those fears and frustrations and embarrassments to Him.

"I saw how long it had been since I had enjoyed him."
in the book, Lisa Jo, wrote a note to her second born and before I barreled though and read her's I wrote one of my own:

So that I embrace the full of life child that God has blessed me with
So that I enjoy her presence and words
So that I relish in her learning and curioursity
So that I see the tender heart that she has
       -her love for singing
       -music
       -twirling
       -gymnastics
       -all things pretty
so that I love her for who God made her. not who I want her to be or others think she needs to be
so that I encourage her through al of the awesome-ness that is her.
completely opposite of me, but maybe, just maybe, everything I need

"No, God doesn't ask us to trade who we are for the label of 'mom'."

"But I believe God loves us too much to leave us flailing in our self-centered universes, so He delivers these tiny reflections of ourselves into our homes with earthquake effectiveness."
Trying to look into the mirrors of who my children are and see them as a reflection of me and maybe that reflection has more smudges than I thought. They are more like me than I realize and sometimes it is the not so good, like me parts.

"And I will keep opening my arms, and we will keep teaching each other what it looks like to give up the pieces of ourselves we thought we needed, in order to make room for someone else."

"I care about slowing down, doing less, being present more."